The Official "Total Randomness" Thread

[zazthespaz]

Merinda's back (congrats on the engagement!), @(fter) Midnight is back on TV, and Donald Trump is talking about running for president again. Welcome back to 2014!

[Merinda]

Yeah, my friendship with Kelly is probably the most stable friendship I've ever had. Early last semester, before we became friends, I had romantic feelings for her, and we even went on what I thought was a date, but she thought it was only friendly. I later found out from her that she has a boyfriend, and although I struggled to come to terms with their relationship for a while, I did my best to be respectful of her feelings, and she likewise supported me throughout my journey of losing my feelings for her. That series of events brought us closer together, and now I feel so comfortable with her that I can now call her my platonic girlfriend.

The novel is my best attempt to collect the most vivid dreams I've had in my life and work them into one continuous story. Of course, I had to fill in the gaps with real-life events and events from my waking imagination. I am the main character, and all but two of the supporting characters are real people as well. The premise is that it follows me as I navigate five years of my life, starting with my sophomore year of high school. Throughout those five years, I encounter many challenges relating to my dream of pursuing music professionally, friendships and romantic relationships, and academics in high school and college.

Today (May 17) is my future wedding date. Just haven't picked the year yet.

It seems like this statement may have aged well.

That's a wild ride regarding your Kelly relationship. How.. do you lose feelings for someone? How did she support you through that? I've just never heard something like that before, usually the friendship stales or it's one sided but sounds like you guys really sorted it out. Props.

Your novel sounds really interesting. Are you dreams cohesive enough that they tie in with your real life? I ask because I have vivid dreams a lot myself but most of them are totally whack.

And it really did. May 17 2024 is the date!

Merinda's back (congrats on the engagement!), @(fter) Midnight is back on TV, and Donald Trump is talking about running for president again. Welcome back to 2014!

Cheers Zazzy. I wish we could go back to 2014! Have you got Jim, Tom, Don or anyone on FB? Tell them to come back.

[maximzub]

Your novel sounds really interesting. Are you dreams cohesive enough that they tie in with your real life? I ask because I have vivid dreams a lot myself but most of them are totally whack.

Somewhat, but also I tend to fill in the gaps with my most memorable dreams the next morning. Also, during the process of writing the novel, I've changed things to make the stories more realistic. For example, I once had a dream that me and a bunch of my classmates ran away from school, but in the novel, it's just me and my twin sister running away. (Interesting fact: in real life, I am an only child, but since I've had dreams about having a twin sister, I decided to make her a fictional character in the novel.)

That's a wild ride regarding your Kelly relationship. How.. do you lose feelings for someone? How did she support you through that? I've just never heard something like that before, usually the friendship stales or it's one sided but sounds like you guys really sorted it out. Props.

It was extremely hard at first. There were many times that I felt like I would never get over her, and I even sought professional help for it. Luckily, after a couple conversations with Kelly, I learned enough about her to recognize that she possesses a lot of traits that are dealbreakers for me in romantic relationships, so at this point, I wouldn't date her even if she was single. This is the first time I've been able to maintain a friendship with a former romantic interest, and I'm so happy about it because the last time I was romantically interested in a friend, it tore apart the friendship, and the pain of losing her hasn't left me after almost 3 years.

To answer the rest of your questions, I feel like the best way would be to simply attach what I've said about her in the past on this board.

October 10:

TABNers rejoice.

After almost 20 years of constant girl problems, I finally went on my first date today.

October 15:

I like a girl in my Interpersonal Communication class. She's always contributing the most insight to class discussions, she has a very interesting background from what I'd heard before our date, and she's really pretty, of course. We'd texted a couple times before, but last Saturday I found the courage to ask her if she wanted to practice together for the in-class interviews that were coming up. (For context, we have this project in that class where we interview our classmates about their career goals. We would be assigned to interview one classmate and then be interviewed by a different classmate, and all the interviews would be recorded on video so that we could reflect on what went well and what didn't. The girl and I were both interviewers on Wednesday, and tomorrow (Monday) we're both interviewees.) She said yes, and we agreed on Tuesday from 11 to 12. I had severe anxiety leading up to it, but when it actually happened, it was so great that I don't regret a single bit of it. We tried following the rules of the interviewing process, but eventually threw them out and just talked for over an hour. We learned a lot about each other, including some deep stuff that I didn't even expect we would share. We even took a selfie together at the end, and I can't stop looking at it because we look so cute together.

Anyway, we've talked a couple times since then. I did casually mention at the end of our date that if she wanted to meet up for dinner sometime, I'm always at Bridgeway at 6:00. (A reminder...it's a dorm that also includes the biggest cafeteria on campus. She lives there, and we both go there for meals a lot.) On Friday, she surprised me by asking if I wanted to join her and her friends there for dinner. Unfortunately, I was already home for the weekend and I couldn't join them, but I said I would love to next time.

However, I do also plan to ask her if we can have dinner together sometime without any friends present. That would be more of a date. I mean, she's clearly interested in me, but I don't know if it's just friendly or romantic, and I want to give off the impression that I'm not just being friendly. Of course, over the last week I've been driving myself crazy wondering whether she likes me back or not. And I'm struggling with getting myself into the mindset that I should just continue interacting with her and see where it leads.

I think that's enough of an update for now. Probably the next time I come over here, I'll have bigger news to share. Either she won't like me back and my eternal girl problems will continue, or she will like me back and I'll finally have my first girlfriend!

October 17:

I'm gonna try to keep this short. No promises, though.
After yet another nice conversation after class with the girl from my Interpersonal Communication class, she promised that she would let me know when she's available to have dinner at Bridgeway together. Neither of us specified whether it would be alone or with her friends. I trusted her to follow through with her promise. In the meantime, I turned to my friends for advice on how to subtly let her know that I'm romantically interested in her. By mid-day today, I was ready for exactly that, and all I had left to do was wait for her to let me know when she's available.

Well, she did live up to her promise. But instead of her text being everything I dreamed of, with her saying that she's available and it would be just us, it turned out to be even worse than I had dreaded. She said that she, her friends, and her boyfriend would be meeting up at Bridgeway tomorrow and asked if I would like to join. Now through all of our interactions, I was under the impression that she was single. So you can imagine my shock when I read her text. I cried for about an hour after that. It felt almost as bad as when Addison ended our friendship due to all the complications from my romantic feelings for her.

After taking some time to collect myself and accept that what was happening is real, I took a shower, left my room to get dinner at a different place from my typical Bridgeway, put in my headphones and shuffled my playlist like always. The mix of songs it gave me was so therapeutic. I bet a lot of you have had some experience like that with music before. Anyway, I somehow managed to feel happy despite the emotional shock I had just experienced.

When I got back to my dorm, I finished a lab report that was due in a couple hours, and then went to work on a message to the girl. I had no choice but to tell her the truth. I confessed my feelings for her; expressed that I would need time and space to move on, but that I would like to be just friends in the future if she wants to; respectfully declined her invitation to dinner with her; and thanked her for helping me take steps to overcome my anxiety over talking to girls. It ended up being almost 1000 words. What? Did y'all expect any less?

After working on more homework for a couple hours, I got a response. She appreciated my honesty and agreed that she wants to be friends down the line, but expressed that she respects my need for space. It was certainly a very mature response, and definitely the best response I've gotten from a girl after a romantic rejection. I can start healing now, and although I do not plan to pursue any other girls for the time being, I think that I will be better prepared for when I do.

November 24:

The last time I posted something personal on here, I had just found out that the girl I liked already has a boyfriend. In the meantime, it's been a roller coaster of emotions regarding her. The next day in Interpersonal Communication class, I was basically frozen due to the shock I had experienced the day before. I told our professor about everything that happened, and expressed that if being in class ever became too overwhelming for me, I might have to leave for a few minutes to collect myself. That's what happened two days later, when I suffered an anxiety attack in the middle of class that left me in tears.

The girl noticed this, and did something I never would have expected. In an effort to find help for me, she sent in a report to our university's coordinator for Student Case Management stating that she had concerns for my well-being. A couple days later, the coordinator emailed me asking if I wanted to meet up with her. She did not yet specify the identity of the concerned student. Nevertheless, I scheduled a meeting with her for the next Tuesday, and it was very helpful. However, the most flattering moment was when she revealed that it was indeed the girl that I liked that sent in the report.

Naturally, I had to thank her for trying to help me. This was probably the catalyst for what happened next. I scheduled myself a counseling appointment for the next week. The main purpose of it was to learn how to cope with my feelings and see her as just a friend. It was very productive, and I left it feeling ready to approach a friendship with the girl. I texted her later that day asking if she wanted to hear about what I'd learned in my counseling. She responded by saying that I could tell her, but she likely wouldn't understand why it helped me because she wasn't aware of my feelings at that point. I then suggested that we meet up in person to discuss our feelings first, which she agreed to.

The next day, we met up after Interpersonal Communication class. This was our first in-person interaction since before I found out that she has a boyfriend. Leading up to it, my anxiety levels were through the roof, but somehow I managed to calm them before she showed up. After some small talk, we finally got to the pressing topics that we needed to discuss. To my surprise, she was extremely comfortable with me the whole time, and she expressed that she had never experienced any negative feelings for me. I likewise explained to her how I felt, complete with detailed descriptions of my old romantic feelings. She empathized with me through everything.

Luckily, there were not many boundaries to be set. At this point, we've reached a mutual understanding that many of the things that ride the line between friendly and flirty are purely friendly in our case. So after spending about 4 hours together that day, we finally split up. I was so happy that we'd expressed all our feelings regarding each other, I'd lost my romantic feelings for her, and we'd learned stuff about each other that made us realize we had even more in common than we previously knew, which was already a lot.

Since then, we've hung out many times, usually at dinner with various combinations of my friends and her friends present. Our friendship is completely normal at this point. I've also met her boyfriend a couple times, and we get along really well. Hanging out with her has helped me become more comfortable with interacting with attractive girls in general. I'm so glad I've gained a new close friend despite the conditions in which it happened, and I look forward to being friends with her for a long time.

Since we're friends now, I likely will bring her up in future posts of mine on this board, so I'll just get this out of the way and tell you all that her name is Kelly.

[Dolo]

Yeah, my friendship with Kelly is probably the most stable friendship I've ever had. Early last semester, before we became friends, I had romantic feelings for her, and we even went on what I thought was a date, but she thought it was only friendly. I later found out from her that she has a boyfriend, and although I struggled to come to terms with their relationship for a while, I did my best to be respectful of her feelings, and she likewise supported me throughout my journey of losing my feelings for her. That series of events brought us closer together, and now I feel so comfortable with her that I can now call her my platonic girlfriend.

Mate, this is just pure 'friendzone' and not a 'platonic girlfriend'. I used to be in a similar situation when the girl didn't want me but I kept telling other people we had 'a weird romantic relationship' because I found it hard to cope with the fact that she didn't want me and this is just a very unhealthy behaviour.
The only way out of it is just staying away from the person and getting on with your own life as much as possible because spending time with her is just gonna bring back your feelings for her and it's gonna be painful for you in the long run (especially with her boyfriend around). You say you feel comfortable with her now but the fact you call her your 'platonic girlfriend' just rubs me the wrong way. The way I dealt with my situation was that I fell in love with someone else and it's a requited love. It was only a couple months later that I could have a regular conversation with that previous girl without causing those past painful experiences to be recalled. Plus we don't stay in touch anymore really.

[maximzub]

Mate, this is just pure 'friendzone' and not a 'platonic girlfriend'. I used to be in a similar situation when the girl didn't want me but I kept telling other people we had 'a weird romantic relationship' because I found it hard to cope with the fact that she didn't want me and this is just a very unhealthy behaviour.
The only way out of it is just staying away from the person and getting on with your own life as much as possible because spending time with her is just gonna bring back your feelings for her and it's gonna be painful for you in the long run (especially with her boyfriend around). You say you feel comfortable with her now but the fact you call her your 'platonic girlfriend' just rubs me the wrong way. The way I dealt with my situation was that I fell in love with someone else and it's a requited love. It was only a couple months later that I could have a regular conversation with that previous girl without causing those past painful experiences to be recalled. Plus we don't stay in touch anymore really.

Ah, see, that's where you're wrong. Yes, initially I had a hard time coping with Kelly's inadvertent romantic rejection of me, and I even sought professional help because of it. However, talking with her after just under a month of giving each other space made me realize that I was only in love with an idealized version of her and not the real person she is. Some of the things I've learned about her in the meantime have made me cringe at the thought of being romantic with her because I absolutely would not want those traits in a girlfriend. Therefore, even if she was single, even if she wanted to date me, I wouldn't date her.

I've spent countless hours with Kelly since we restarted our friendship, and not one single time have I wished that things were different. We get along really well and think in similar ways, so it's only natural that we have conversations about our deepest feelings very often. We have a high amount of respect and admiration for each other, as well as a high level of trust, which is why our friendship is so strong. I also get along with her boyfriend very well, and he and I have even hung out without her being present. He likewise respects my friendship with her and doesn't question my strictly friendly intentions, which I have made clear to both of them and to anyone else that knows about our situation.

The painful feelings are so distant by now. Sometimes I go back and reread the text that Kelly sent me when she first invited me to dinner with her and her boyfriend, and I just can't seem to relive how I felt back then. It doesn't bother me anymore to hear her mentioning his existence. Sure, maybe I was a little bit hurt to see them together at first, but those feelings have faded away with time. I think they're a healthy couple and I hope my future romantic relationship is somewhat like theirs. Both of them have offered to give me advice relating to my future romantic endeavors, and actually Kelly has already given me a lot of advice on how to approach a girl I like the next time it happens. Now I feel more ready than ever to start pursuing a relationship with some other girl. It's because of all of this that I look back on our interactions pre-boyfriend revelation as positive learning experiences rather than things that I wish didn't happen the way they did.

I understand your reasons for concern about my relationship with Kelly because it does frequently happen that once one member of a guy-girl friendship confesses romantic feelings for the other, the friendship becomes one-sided and eventually falls apart. That's exactly what happened to me with Addison. However, back then, I am sure that I was lying to myself about my true feelings, which manifested themselves in the form of continuing to ask her out on dates, disrespecting her boundaries, and feeling paralyzed at the thought of her being romantic with someone else.

This is different because from the very moment I found out that Kelly is in a relationship, I have supported it and have even helped them to improve it whenever it hit any rough spots. I also took the initiative to learn about her boundaries and have respected them ever since, in addition to setting my own boundaries, most of which revolved around not doing certain things together in order to not give any of us or anyone else the impression that we're going on dates. She is aware of the mistakes I have made in the past in similar situations, and she is also aware of how much I value platonic friendships, so she supports my decision to be careful about our relationship and holds me accountable for it. I take the fact that our friendship has now lasted longer than my post-confession friendship with Addison did as a good sign, and I look forward to being friends with her for a long time.

Oh, and since I mentioned my novel earlier, I will add that Kelly is a co-writer for it. I finished the first draft of the first volume in 3 1/2 months, and then I sent it to five friends to read it and make suggestions for improvement. Well, Kelly's suggestions for improvement basically became her writing parts of the book on her own, so I've brought her on as a co-writer. It definitely helps because I have had zero experience with romantic relationships or the deaths of people close to me, both of which are heavily explored topics in the book, and both of which she has had plenty of experience in.

[zazthespaz]

What is the definition of a "platonic girlfriend"? And does that mean your best guy friend is your "platonic boyfriend"? Am I "platonically homosexual"? If I have a best guy friend and a best girl friend, am I "platonically polynonamorous?"

[maximzub]

What is the definition of a "platonic girlfriend"?

I call Kelly that because the emotional intimacy we share is at the level that it would be in a romantic relationship. Since I value emotional connection more than anything physical, she's basically temporarily filling the girlfriend role in my life, albeit without anything physical and with a greater sense of distance than I would want in an actual romantic relationship.

And does that mean your best guy friend is your "platonic boyfriend"?

No, because my absolute best friend is also a girl, but she does not fit the criteria of a "platonic girlfriend" because our connection is more sibling-like. A "platonic boyfriend", similar to a "platonic girlfriend", would be a guy friend that you share as much emotional intimacy with as you would in a romantic relationship. I do not have such a friend myself.

Am I "platonically homosexual"?

There exists no such thing.

If I have a best guy friend and a best girl friend, am I "platonically polynonamorous?"

Nice try, but also no. Like I said, having a guy/girl best friend does not necessarily make them your "platonic guy/girlfriend". I do not consider either of my two best friends (one guy and one girl) to be such thing.

[Timotheus]

I call Kelly that because the emotional intimacy we share is at the level that it would be in a romantic relationship. Since I value emotional connection more than anything physical, she's basically temporarily filling the girlfriend role in my life, albeit without anything physical and with a greater sense of distance than I would want in an actual romantic relationship.

Do you fill the boyfriend role in her life? No, her boyfriend does... Hence, friendzone.

[Dolo]

I call Kelly that because the emotional intimacy we share is at the level that it would be in a romantic relationship. Since I value emotional connection more than anything physical, she's basically temporarily filling the girlfriend role in my life, albeit without anything physical and with a greater sense of distance than I would want in an actual romantic relationship.

Do you fill the boyfriend role in her life? No, her boyfriend does... Hence, friendzone.

[gbruin]

I spend a lot of my time on Reddit this days. More than I do on Facebook, Instagram etc. But it doesn't feel as close knit as a place like this. I feel like I know so many of you and have for so long and I don't find that anywhere else.

I do miss this place a lot.

What's new in everyone's lives?

I'm getting married in May, nearly at exchanging contracts on a house, got a few gigs lined up this year. Caligula's Horse, Unleash The Archers, The Butterfly Effect, Tesseract and Scar Symmetry.. I think that's it. Also got tix to WWE Elimination Chamber and the 1 deadMAN show (feat Undertaker) in Feb which I'm buzzing for.

Now just waiting for an announcement of an Australian Kamelot tour. Tommy Karevik is the love of my life.

You and Mr Min-to-be can come out here on May 14 real quick before the wedding and see Kamelot with me.

[maximzub]

I call Kelly that because the emotional intimacy we share is at the level that it would be in a romantic relationship. Since I value emotional connection more than anything physical, she's basically temporarily filling the girlfriend role in my life, albeit without anything physical and with a greater sense of distance than I would want in an actual romantic relationship.

Do you fill the boyfriend role in her life? No, her boyfriend does... Hence, friendzone.

It's not friendzone if neither party wants to be romantically involved.

[maximzub]

Plush rocks! Second only to Halestorm for best opening band I've ever seen.

[gbruin]

Plush rocks! Second only to Halestorm for best opening band I've ever seen.

Their new EP came out today. Do you have it yet?

[maximzub]

Plush rocks! Second only to Halestorm for best opening band I've ever seen.

Their new EP came out today. Do you have it yet?

No, but I listened to it twice last night shortly after it came out. Honestly, it's not as good as the first album. Luckily, they played the better songs from it tonight (Run, Barracuda, Hope It Hurts, and Left Behind).

[maximzub]

Just arrived in Platteville for my second semester of second year.

[Merinda]

You and Mr Min-to-be can come out here on May 14 real quick before the wedding and see Kamelot with me.

Wedding gift from you????

[zazthespaz]

You and Mr Min-to-be can come out here on May 14 real quick before the wedding and see Kamelot with me.

Wedding gift from you????

I can chauffeur.

[Merinda]

Can you pick me up from Australia?

Surely you can operate a ship.

[zazthespaz]

Can you pick me up from Australia?

Surely you can operate a ship.

My parents have a kayak I might be able to borrow…

[gbruin]

You and Mr Min-to-be can come out here on May 14 real quick before the wedding and see Kamelot with me.

Wedding gift from you????

You bet. Tix and VIP for you and Mr Min.