Jim wrote:This grinded my gears.
Reader discretion advised.
Taken from a "whatsapp" conversation between Jim, Ryan and gbruin (AB tripod of Kings)
1. Met a girl at a concert... Pretty sure i liked her on the day
2. Got her number.. Because well.. Look at me
3. Of course i did
4. So we texted and called for a few weeks alot
5. Quite liked her... So agreed to drive the 6 hours up north to see her
6. I get a hair cut, i have a trim, i do a few sit-ups.. I'm feeling pretty good
7. I get there..
8. We kiss... TERRIBLE KISS
9. We get on okay
10. We start to fool around later on and i start to fondle her breasts with my mouth....
11. Dude she actual black hairs on her boob
12. JUST ONE BOOB
Ryan - "LMAO!"
13. I was like... "are they from my beard?"
gbruin - "Which boob?"
14. Left, so i try to nudge them off with my nose
15. Didn't go...
16. Hard-on officially lost
Ryan - "LMFAO!"
17. So by now I'm noticing she has the sexual abilities of a dead badger
gbruin - "LOLOLOLOL!"
18. So we head out for food, cook it up and we get along pretty well
19.... Bed time
Ryan - "Hahahaha!"
20. And i FUCKING KNOW i told her before I EVEN GOT IN THE FUCKING CAR that i cant stand body hair on girls
Ryan - "Lmao"
21. Like, from the eyebrows down.. No go.
22. So we eventually get semi naked... And Im playing with her.. area..
Ryan - "My family think I'm crazy sitting here laughing so fucking hard"
23. From behind i reach down and under and in, no hair yet... I'm like 'yesss no pubes I'm happy!'
24. I turn her over and slide my hand down the front.. All the while she's stiff as a board
25. So i find out she TOTALLY FUCKING IGNORED my previous body hair hatred comments
26. And has what i can only describe as road-kill sitting in her pants
Ryan - "Lmao"
27. So i whip it out.. And get on top... She still hasn't had the guts to touch me (anywhere)
28. I try to get it in... No go
gbruin - "Oh man... Hahaha"
29. So i tell myself 'fuck, i've gotta go down there to help lubricate this situation orally...'
30. Im not happy, NOT FUCKING HAPPY GENTS
gbruin - "Lube!"
31. You ever tried going down on a hairy girl and tried to keep your hard-on?? WELL I HAVE
Ryan - "Lol"
32. I went there.. And it was like making out with Jesus
33. So i get it in eventually and she is literally lying there like i'm raping her
34. I talk to myself ONCE AGAIN 'Jim just get out JUST GET OUT'
35. 2 mins and i'm done... Shoot, clean up, roll over.
gbruin - "Making out with Jesus would've won quote of the year"
36. Gross, don't bring it up again
37. Re-living it is bad enough without you picking out your favourite parts
Ryan - "Never talked again?"
38. Ok so we're kinda cuddling and watching a movie
39. And it gets later and later and she goes to sleep
40. I'm ready to run
41. SOOOO ready
42. It's 4am... I cant
43. Surely i cant?
44. ... I fall asleep
45. Livid.
Ryan - "Oh man"
46. Next morning we wake up just around midday and put another film on or something... And it's awkward, I'm not happy
47. I start texting my best bro Greg asking him to make me run away
48. He convinces me to just get it over with and tell her... By now she thinks "yep, hot guy is in my house and inside me, boom!"
49. I'm thinking "GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT"
50. I do it. "ummm I'm feeling kinda funny, like there's no spark"
...
- Her - "oh.. really? I'm not."
51. My buddy texts - Dude Shinedown are playing like 30 mins down the road, get out and hit that show!
52. I pack up my shit, i give her a kiss on the head goodbye and jump in my car
53. She, the instant emo, was gutted
54. I, was overjoyed
55. And on my way to see Shinedown!!!!!!
Ryan - "instant emo HAHA"
56. She texts me like a 2000 character long text about what i thought i was expecting and i didnt give it time
57. Didnt reply.
gbruin - "This has to be one of the funniest things I've ever heard"
58. She blocked me on twitter, instagram and deleted my number
59. Boom! Fuck you Big Foot!
60. I spent £100, drove 6 hours, got a haircut, had a trim downstairs... Her? She couldnt even sort out her kissing style!
Ryan - "Dumping her 10 hours later.. priceless"
61. Dude she brought it on herself
62. Think i was there literally 16 hours
63. .. Saw Shinedown though.
gbruin - "How could you overlook telling us this??"
Ryan - "And now I've got fucking heartburn right now. Shit"
63. Probably all that laughing..
Ryan - "Probably!"
Ryan wrote:
4. Hairy tit.
5. It was like making out with Jesus.
6. Ryan got heartburn from LOLing too hard.
7. BOOM!